Understanding the Misunderstandings....

Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Please don’t take me wrongly…I can explain this…It’s not the way it appears to be… Well I can easily verbalize with a probability of ‘1’ that each one of us have uttered or listened to these statements uncountable number of times. It’s tough to be on either side in these situations, whether you are the ‘sinner’ or the ‘forgiver’. The sinner will never be in peace because he or she has not been able to put their point across while the listener (sounds more appropriate), who is hurt will never want to listen to any explanation as he/she feels hurt. A catch-22 situation; isn’t it? This isn’t something very new; this situation is in existence since the inception of mankind itself. Yes this is what a misunderstanding is!!

Literally, it means-to fail to understand or interpret rightly the words or behavior of. If it simply means this much why it is that most of the times this misunderstandings lead to the termination of relationships, be it friendship or marriages. Why can’t these words or the behavior that have been misunderstood be replaced by some similar words or behavior?

We have seen it so many times that how a boy and a girl initially come closer coz of the similarities in their likings and behaviors. This fondness goes to the extent that they even start enjoying their dissimilarities. This honeymoon period continues till that fateful day when some forlorn misunderstanding creates a crack, and then widens it - they start and the conclusions are one of these two - "like poles never attract" or "we had so many dissimilarities and it couldn't have worked anyways - I wonder how it went on so far??”

You are always loved for the ‘good things’ that you do and an occasional ‘Odd deed’ of yours overshadows all the good that you ever did! You are loved for the same things some times and lambasted for the same things the other times coz you failed to live up to the expectations of the same bunch of people. "All men are sick,they all just want one thing from women." Have you been lucky enough to have listened to this? (Well, if you are thinking that this is what you also have felt one time or the other, then hold on! You are not unique.)

Well my interpretation of misunderstanding is miscommunication or rather the lack of it.

There is a definite difference between talking and communicating? Communicating has two parts: talking and listening. The root of the verb "communicate" means to share. How can we share thoughts and feelings unless the involved parties in the conversation listen with understanding as well as speak? How do we tell our friends that we love them? Not every time by words, but by LISTENING to what they have to say!!

You don’t always need to feel that it’s only coz of your fault or the person in front of you that this misunderstanding happened. This moment is a test of the strength of your relationship. Don’t start feeling that this misunderstanding arose because of the mistrust, instead think that erasing this misunderstanding shows the level of trust that you have. You may understand their point but still disagree with it. If your opinion is different, don't you want others to respect your right to disagree? Of course you do! How do you get others to respect your beliefs? By respecting theirs! Often disagreements arise because we focus on the words being used instead of focusing on the speaker. How can we keep aside the fact for even a moment that the person speaking these lines means so much to me? Why is it so difficult at that moment to remember that the same person has been with me at all the times? How special he/she has made me feel, may be just an hour ago? How much effort he/she puts to bring a smile on my face, how can the same individual say or do something deliberately to hurt me? Well all these questions seem so obvious in the hindsight but we all know that hindsight is the best sight!

Occasionally, despite our best efforts, conflicts will develop. If so, there's no need to despair. After all, conflicts are always opportunities for growth. Use conflicts to learn where you went wrong and make the necessary corrections. As long as we learn from our mistakes, we will continue to move forward. When we seek to understand first and seek to be understood second, we will avoid most of the problems. Also, when we understand one another, there will be no need for forgiveness.

Misunderstandings arise between people who have a certain level of understanding. How much difference will it make if we think a bit before we speak, even to the person who is closest to us? Closeness and comfort does give us the liberty to say anything but not in any manner. Well look at these two statements- “Don’t ever dare speak to me like that!!” and “Darling, it hurts when you speak that way.” One line of kindness can melt away most of the misunderstandings. As far as I am concerned I always am a bit extra careful while talking to my loved ones, I don’t think this means I am less comfortable with them. It means that I want them to be the last ones on earth who would get hurt by my words or actions.

True, if we always shared the same ideas, there would be no disagreements, but what a dull world it would then be. So, as long as we realize that two monologues do not make a dialogue, and communication does not mean others must agree with us, we should do all right!!

Hymenoplasty or Guilt Conscience or Stamping Male Chauvinism?

If you are a software engineer and if you are lucky enough to have some spare time for yourself then most of the times a bug (sorry! I am a software engineer), which I prefer to call the bug of creativity, creeps in your mind. The thought that this heavy workload might turn me into a dumb IT professional sends shivers down my spine. So everyday when I return to my flat (this is what I prefer to call it, some people pronounce it as home also) and switch on the TV or read the newspaper for that matter, I look for reasons to keep my thought process going on or if I have to say it differently I try to feel that I can think of other better things in my life than about my code and my appraisals!!!

Last Wednesday when I was watching a news channel (have been told by fellow bloggers not to take the names directly), there was a euphoric discussion going on ‘hymenoplasty’, an operation which made it possible for women to regain their virginity. Botox, breast enlargement or liposuction are passé. The new cosmetic surgeries are vaginal reconstruction and hymenoplasty. It costs anywhere between Rs 1-2.5 lakh in US and UK while the same is done in India for Rs 10,000-20,000. I never knew till that point that it was possible but well I guess its right that science has made a huge progress. Doctors were telling how there was a rush among women now a days to get this operation done and how they were requested to keep their identity a secret for the reasons which do not require the knowledge of thermodynamics for us to guess. In spite of being a male this thought enough was sufficient to get my creative juices flowing. The correspondent finally concluded by saying that this progress that the field of medicine has made has given some reason to cheer to those women who are trying to put their past behind and start their life afresh!!!Cut the crap dear…

Why is a woman’s virginity such a big issue for all and sundry?? There is even a ritual called ‘kunwari puja’ which is performed on the 9^th day of Durga puja in which has the requirement of a virgin along with a male Brahmin, and yes he does not need to be a virgin. In some Arabian countries an even more wonderful ritual is performed. After the first night of marriage, the senior members of the family take the bed sheet (yes if u tried to guess the colour you are right. It’s white!!) which has stains of blood on it as a result of the love making session that has been performed by the couple on it and parade throughout the city as they think it to be something auspicious. I am not saying all this to hurt the sentiments of people belonging to any particular country or religion but to show that even mythology puts a lot of stress on a women being virgin. And we all are God fearing people u know!!

I can understand why this operation registers a number of cases in US. Women there have it just to please their partners. Recently read an article about an American women going for a $5000 hymenoplasty surgery on the 40^th birthday of her husband so that he could have a mind-boggling experience. What a birthday gift! But in India a lot of women undergo the same surgery to escape the social wrath associated with their husband’s discovery that his bride was not a virgin. In many societies, including India, an `intact' hymen is considered proof of sexual inexperience. Well in a country where half of the population is literate, people still are unaware that this hymen rupture can happen also because of involvement in physical activities like sports or acts of self-pleasure!!!

I can imagine a lot of individuals crying over the male chauvinism that rules this society but I can say that even those women will not hesitate to have hymenoplasty. Aren’t they propagating the same chauvinism theory by doing this? Why not let those men go to hell who put more stress on your past rather than thinking about the wonderful time that they can have with you in the moments of togetherness that you will have in future? Isn’t hymenoplasty giving a boost to the already much hyped male ego? Men always know that no one in this cosmos can question their virginity and it’s impossible to prove it at all. So, they pounce on any opportunity that is presented to them and get themselves satisfied and those same set of hungry jerks expect their future spouses to have that piece of skin still intact till they blow that off! Dr David Matlock surely would have had a pro-women heart coz without that it wasn’t even feasible at all to think of pioneering something such as hymenoplasty. A nice way to fool the jerks :)

I have always believed that virginity is not dignity; it’s nothing more than just a lack of opportunity. Well if you are into a relationship and you think that you have a fair bit of commitment towards your partner then it’s obvious that you will look forward to him/her to satisfy your sexual needs as well and not hope for their friends to do so.(Though in some cases this might be true even). So what is wrong if you loose your virginity to someone you are truly, madly and deeply in love with? This can only be wrong if you have been sleeping around with almost everyone it’s possible with and without even thinking for a single moment about your future. And after all what’s the point in getting a piece of skin sewed back just to get it blown away in a single push! Well even this can be justified if you are planning to hide your past from your beloved which in itself is something which has to be thought off. Past is something from which we should learn and not something which needs to be ashamed off. Why feel sorry for those moments which at their time of occurrence might have been the best moments of one’s lives? After all who thinks of getting detached while being attached?

I would love to see a girl who goes to bed with a clear objective in mind. (Well you must be thinking that there is only one single objective!). Is this act of hers just an act of pleasure or is a step that takes her closer to her partner in the relationship? If it’s by her wish than she is the one who should accept the responsibility of this act. I know some of them who think that if they won’t have sex with their boyfriend he will dump them. Well my lady friends if this really is the case I would again like to re-iterate; throw them out of your lives! I live in a city which is supposed to be one the most modern cities in this country and for some of the girls here it might not sound to be a cool idea to be a virgin (Oh shit! Don’t tell me you are a virgin? I can hear this!!!!)

So, one’s idea of virginity is directly proportional (Don’t crib about the usage of words please! I am an engineer) to what he or she has been exposed to since their childhood. Some might associate it with the religious beliefs that he or she might have had. For some it might be something to boast off as for them sex is too big an issue. Some might be looking to get rid off this as quickly as possible as this is the only thing that they have been thinking of since they became aware of it. As long as the reasons and after effects of it are clear in the minds of those who opt for hymenoplasty, I have no issues at all. After all who am I to comment on the thought process of those to whom I am remotely associated!!!

From Indore to Tokyo...

“Veni, vidi, vici ” which means-He came, He saw, He conquered!!!(A famous Latin phrase coined by Roman general Julius Caesar in 47 BC).Didn’t know how to start this blog, and being an engineer I am remotely associated to philosophy.This is the only quote I could remember(it’scommendable that I could remember one).

One man came from the city of POHAs and Jalebis, a city that presents a happy blend of historical past and promises of rapid future modernization. (Oh Yes!!! I am talking about Indore) His goal was to make people understand whatever he wanted to just by uttering these few words: - "मतलब समझ रहा है ना ?” But, we Indians are highly unfortunate that we could not understand even these few words of this wonderful lad, which he used to say in our national language itself, for the sake of understanding of lesser mortals like us. But, Japanese are a bunch of intelligent fellows, they even understood the implicit meaning of what this lad had to say and here he is, zooming on his way to Tokyo. Yes I am vocalizing my thoughts on none other than, the greatest consultant ever, tang tareng,dhik chik,dhik chik- ROHIT JAIN!!!

PS: Today I came to know about a major advantage of blogging. People will read any non-sense that you even think of in your mind…:)

The most genuine reaction that normal human beings give now days is when they hear about some good news and yes a hundred million dollars to you for guessing their reply when they hear it: - “So, when are you giving the party?” Yes there still are some bunch of fools in this world who try to do something different by going ahead and congratulating the person for his or her achievement. But, we( We thorough out this post will refer to people from I-Leap batch 9 and who are in Mumbai), since we are all normal people, thought of starting a trend of RECEIVING parties from the people who are getting ‘freed’ from this fantastic place. A date was decided in the daily general body meeting of the board members of i-leap 9. And this date was Sunday, 15^th of April, 2007 of course!

We always have had some minor niggling issues regarding the venue of our get-togethers, so the BOARD decided that it would be a befitting good bye to Rohit if we had the ‘party’ at POP-TATES, a place where it had all started. Anyways, the real reasons behind any decision are never disclosed in public by the BOARD!! The time decided was 8 PM (well here I will disclose one of the reasons behind choosing this time, 8 PM is popular brand of whiskey!)

So, as decided we reached the venue at around 9 and courtesy our group manager, we got the table very soon. And then it all started, (Oh! Believe me I am getting into tears while writing this).

Our in-house poet Nishant, had written some lines for this occasion, and what a beauty it was! It encompassed every single emotion that he felt for all of us in these one and a half-years. I would like to quote a few lines of his creation, 'रोहीत भाई जापान चले ' :-

“ स्वदेश की वो Russian बाला ,

Glamourous Anshul लाला ,

Nagpur की प्यारी सी 'हाँ रे ',

वो जय जबलपुर के नारे

Baiju के बेसुरे स्वर

Niraj की ७नमबरी बकर ,

Bhopali mysterious युवती

Tan-meet ke love lecture की अति

Ankur Pandey का जीवन ग्यान ,

Sharma, Mayank, Kuldeep the DON,”

© Nishant Maheshwari-JB (full part of this poem in a different post)!!

So, it all began with praises being heaped on these rather touching lines by Nishant and video recording being done by our in-house (Oh! I love this word) cameraman, Mr. Anshul. Then as we had come to have a party, it also included some amount of food and alcohol consumption (who said we go to Pop Tates coz of this?). Some starters were ordered along with a minimal amount of alcohol (Ankur and Niraj decided against alcohol consumption that day, keep it up guys!!!).

Jokes apart our in-house diplomat (you know who), was consuming alcohol as if there was a bonanza discount offer going on in poptates, and if he did not made use of the offer he would be crucified!! Some people also did what they had always wanted to; anyways who said smoking is injurious to health?? And the best part was that our in-house consultant (are apna Host), also showed glimpses of a change in his campaign of “Say No to Alcohol” by sipping in a drink here and there. This is an ugly world man, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic!!!

And then came the best part of the evening. And it was an initiative of none other than our in-house (yet again) fantasy man, Tanmeet aka R.F.Hussain (This is the last blog I am writing!). Our own in-house (counter+1) beauty queen, Rakhi was asked to comment on one positive point and one negative point of each of the partyholics present there. And then it was decided that each one of us would carry on this exercise. This was an opportunity for all of us to express our feelings for each other, and that was what it exactly turned out to be.

This exercise showed how well were we able to connect in these two years as to speak about the qualities of a person you have to have a certain level of interaction with them. It always feels good when you hear nice words being spoken about you and that too from people who ‘claim’ to know you well.

PS: One of the major changes that were observed this time was that the disruptions due to the cell-phone were quite less. Good job people!!! (I Loved the Alibaug trip too much)

We missed the presence of two lovely ladies out there- Bhavana (Jaiiiiiiiiiii Maharashtra) and Smita (Jai Jabalpur) and our in-house DON, Kuldeep (Hello Amitji) due to some unavoidable reasons. I must say that a void was felt due to their absence but the Moon will shine brightly even if it is cut into two (what a rubbish analogy), and in the same way we tried to enjoy to the maximum and made it sure that our host does not feel the absence of some of his friends.

So, the time has now come to wish all the best to Rohit for his future assignments and for whatever he does in life, personally and professionally. The time that we have spent in these two years have been wonderful, so wonderful that myself and my other room mate, our in-house thinker, Ankur have decided that we will never bring a third room mate. After all no one can take the place of Mr. Rohit!!

I also would like to take this opportunity to present our in-house awards to the deserving people out there.

Ankur- Mr. Thinker(Had to give some decent award, afterall he is my roomy)

Anshul A- Mr. Smiley (Keep it up)

Anshul S- Mr. Cool Dude (Chill man)

Bhavana- Miss Cool Gal (Well, I think so atleast)

Hiren- Mr. Bholu(I thought I came a close Second)

Kuldeep- Mr. DON (No competitors)

Mayank- Mr. One Liner (Golden words are not to be repeated, man)

Niraj- Mr. Diplomat (No Comments)

Nishant- Mr. All Clear (as clear as a mirror)

Praveen- Mr. Body Builder (No one dare touch him)

Rakhi- Miss Leg Puller (Be on earth, you are being allowed to do so till now)

Rohit- Mr. Consultant (No one came even close to him in this category)

Sakshi- Miss Punctuality (Sorry Sakshi)

Smita- Miss Bluetooth (well this is the way she communicates with her Mr. Perfect)

Tanmeet- Well the most talented guy of our batch, he has to have so many awards. Mr. Chance pe Dance, Mr. Fantasy man, Mr. Agreed and it goes on.

PS: I am going into solitude after writing this blog. This Blogger is a history now!Why did I start to blog for God’s sake?

A Modern disease- Loneliness

Can anyone ever truly understand what it is like to be you, to experience all the things you have experienced, to understand your joys and happiness, your pains and sorrows? Surely we can talk to other people about how we feel, we can draw pictures, we can play music, but this entire attempt to communicate ultimately leaves something behind. A human being's existence is a lonely existence. At the end of the day, we are all alone. We cannot always get our feelings, ideas or experiences across exactly. There is a painful reality that ultimately we are alone, by ourselves, and ultimately lonely.

Some people are better at alleviating their loneliness than other people, at hiding their monadic existence than others. For them, loneliness is a fleeting feeling that visits them on cold winter days or cold gloomy rainy days when human contact becomes minimal and they are left only with the thoughts in their heads. For others, loneliness is a curse, a shadow that follows them all the time that rears its ugly head at every human contact that surrounds them in their waking and in their dreams.

Whether we would like to agree with it or not, loneliness is a universal phenomenon, it visits every human soul at some time in every culture, every race, every class, every age, and at all times in human history. It is inescapable, and has been expressed throughout the ages in music, literature and art. To feel lonely is to join the rest of humanity in acknowledging that we are somehow fundamentally separated from each other, doomed to speak and yet never fully understood. Not only is loneliness so pervasive, but it has been associated with a variety of different emotions. People who feel lonely describe it as painful, and it is associated very strongly with feelings of depression, suicide, low self-esteem and aggression. Being lonely for too long may not be a good thing. And while we suffer a monadic existence, we are social animals, needing each other, to bond, to connect, to love. It is the paradox of human existence to seek to fill a need that can never be satisfied, to fill the vortex of loneliness in our lives.

Loneliness is feeling isolated and estranged from people. Sometimes people feel lonely because they believe they are different from others or they believe people are indifferent to them. Note that loneliness and being alone are not the same thing. For example, you can be in a crowd with others and still feel lonely; whereas, you can be alone with yourself and not necessarily feel lonely.

Although there is no real estimate of its prevalence, it is not uncommon to feel lonely; everyone experiences it at one time or another.

One may experience some or all of the following:

• I feel that no one cares about me.
• I feel that people only like me as long as I am of use to them.
• I feel that no one understands me.
• I feel I cannot connect to others.
• Sometimes, in order to bridge my loneliness, I accept the company of people I do not really like or respect.
• I feel that I am different from others.
• I feel that no one will be interested in who I am. Sometimes I cry but at other times I feel angry. If I do get close to others, I am afraid that they will either hurt or abandon me.
• I sometimes feel sad and empty.
• I feel life is pointless without people to share it with.
• I may engage in self-destructive behaviors such as drinking or overeating to cope with my pain.

Sometimes people feel lonely after the loss of a loved one. This is a normal reaction to loss. At other times, loneliness could be the result of low self esteem. For example, if a person fears being abandoned, he or she may avoid getting close to others and subsequently feel lonely. This tendency could stem from childhood or adulthood experiences where the individual was badly hurt or rejected. Oddly enough, people who receive a lot of attention can also feel lonely because they believe they are not valued for who they are but because they possess some talent, beauty, or money which, if they lost, would leave them worthless. Loneliness may also be exacerbated by an emotional problem. For example, a person who is suffering from depression may then withdraw from the world and thereby exacerbate his/her loneliness.

Most people periodically feel lonely. It is a common human experience. Sometimes, however, loneliness can become a lasting and emotionally painful problem.

Some ways to overcome loneliness

• You may feel separated from other people because of wrong things that others have done or said to you, or things that you have done or said to others. These things build a wall between us. Look for a way to become friends again. Don't be too proud to say sorry, even if you feel it was mostly the other person's fault!
• Even in a stable long-term relationship or marriage, you should still not expect your partner to meet all of your emotional needs. They should certainly meet many of your needs, because your partner should be your best friend. But you should also have a network of good relationships with other friends, giving and taking help and support.
• Don't look for the answer to loneliness in a sexual relationship. Many people, especially girls, move from one quick sexual relationship to another, desperate to find closeness and meaning. The sort of people they find usually only want the sex part of the relationship, and do not offer more in return. You are worth more than this!
• If you find you are lonely because you fear rejection, try to look at yourself objectively. For example, what are some of the qualities a friend might value in you and try to remember that you have these things to offer.
• Try to find out what things you have in common with others. By doing this you may realize you are not so different from others after all.
• If you find that someone is indifferent to you, remember that they may have something on their mind that makes them seem self-absorbed and thus it is not necessarily personal.
• It can be easy to live out our lives through the imaginary relationships in films, TV, books, or even arm-length relationships on the Internet. These aren't real! TV and film characters do not act and talk like real people! It is an imaginary world, very different from the real one. Live in the real world!
• Try to ask another person about him or her self because people usually appreciate someone who takes an interest in them.
• If you have a family member or friend you think you could talk to, tell them how you feel and you may find that the connection you form helps to dissolve your loneliness.

For me the best way to overcome loneliness is to talk to someone who you know will lend an affectionate ear to your thoughts, one with whom do not feel the sense of talking to other. I mean talking to that person should feel like you are communicating with your own self. But yes this also has a catch attached to it. What if you have found such a person and then when you need him/her the most, they are not there for you? You start feeling lonely again:)

The day I met you...

The day I met you
I found a friend -
And a friendship that
I pray will never end.

Your smile - so sweet
And so bright -
Kept me going
When day was as dark as night.

You never ever judged me,
You understood my sorrow.
Then you told me it needn't be that way
And gave me the hope of a better tomorrow.

You were always there for me,
I knew I could count on you.
You gave me advice and encouragement
Whenever I didn't know what to do.

You helped me learn to love myself
You made life seem so good.
You said I can do anything I put my mind to
And suddenly I knew I could.

There were times when we didn't see eye to eye
And there were days when both of us cried.
But even so we made it through:
Our friendship hasn't yet died.

Circumstances have pulled us apart,
We are separated by many miles.
Truly, the only thing that keeps me going
Is my treasured memory of your smile.

This friendship we share
Is so precious to me,
I hope it grows and flourishes
And lasts unto infinity.

You are so extra-special to me
And so this to you I really must tell:
You are my one true friend,
My Guardian Angel.

Our friendship is one-in-a-million
So let's hold on to it and each other.
We cannot let this chance of pure bliss fly away
For there will never be another.

I love you my friend

l will always love you.

-Niraj

Friendship with the Opposite Sex...

Well I still can not get that scene of ‘Maine Pyar Kiya’ out of my mind when Mohnish Behl says it aloud- “Kya ek jawan ladka aur ek jawan ladki dost ho sakte hain??” This question has constantly been zooming around in my thought process since I have been able to comprehend its meaning. Though I am too fond of movies, it does not make me think twice before saying that they sometimes present to us that part of our world which is far from the reality. So is this really possible to have a genuine friendship with a person of the opposite sex???

Almost everyone has at least one friend of the opposite sex. Sometimes it may be hard, while other times it's great having someone there to talk to and understand your relationship as the same sex as your partner.

It's hard to not cross the line. Being friends with the opposite sex means spending tons of time together. However, you must know your boundaries of what you can and cannot do or talk about. It is quite common for the male or female in the friendship to have a crush on the other person. This leads to many difficulties. Although, if it's pointed out from the start that the relationship will not grow more than just a friendship, it may be a blessing.

A crush obviously means feelings for the other. So, when one is in trouble, they can go straight to their friend and talk them through it -- many times being more sincere than others.

Although this sounds great, it could lead to problems. If the friend keeps his or her feelings to himself/herself for a long period of time they could explode, leaving heartaches on both sides of the spectrum. Even if the feelings aren't kept bundled up, heartache may be in order once the other finds a partner. Which, may also end up hurting the partner, making them jealous or forbidding the friends to see each other.

Most friendships of opposite sexes are great from the start, but fade in time. However, friendship may become more; many friends become spouses later on, be it ten or twenty-years down the road. Most just need to realize their true feelings for the other before becoming serious.

As per Bible, Eve was created to give company to Adam. Why not God created another Adam? That’s coz a man and a woman are complimentary to each other. They fill up the void of emotions and attachments in each other’s lives. Even God would not have thought at that time that this relationship can assume different names in the future, namely friendship and love!! Only when an effort is made to find out the difference between these two feelings (I rather prefer calling these two as feelings rather than forms of relationships) do we need to look for the answer of this question otherwise this question is answered best when it remains unanswered!!!!